I took my time in the supermarket, browsing up and down each aisle and when I got to the aisle where they keep a small assortment of toys I had to laugh. There on the floor of the aisle were two rubber bearded dragons staring each other off, just like the real ones do. That's a creative child that's been interrupted at play.
Shortly after that small bit of amusement thought, I found myself having less fun. I went up and down every aisle, including confectionery. Chocolate was on special. I put two 200g Cadbury blocks in my trolley, Turkish Delight and Roasted Almond, and two 450g Cadbury Marvellous Creations Peanut Toffee Cookie blocks. I walked three paces and froze. What the hell are you doing? My inner voice screamed. I stepped back and hurriedly returned them all to the shelf.
After that a mild panic attack started. What is wrong with me? Why can't I do this? I would've sat down and just eaten all of it. I could picture myself doing it. Why am I never good enough? I started to rake myself over coals and fear that I would never deserve good things or be worth anything to anyone. Now obviously this was not all just about the chocolate. I have been extrememly stressed with work, probably more than I even realise, and my recent relationship struggles have also weighed heavily on me. The thought of giving in to temptation may have been the trigger but it certainly wasn't the only cause.
I started fighting back tears and I grabbed for my phone, I just needed to know one thing to get me through it. Was I worth it? This wasn't the sort of question you could ask just anyone out of the blue, not without substantial explanation which I was in no frame of mind to be able to give. I texted Earnest and the response came back promptly, 'Yes, you're worth it'. Thank heavens for friends who know what you need, when you need it.
I managed to get through the rest of the shop and home and started laying away the groceries. Mr Smart arrived just as I finished. He asked me how I was and I started crying again and told him as much as I could remember of what had happened. I still don't know if I have the order exactly right. He patiently listened as I told him about my panicked moments and babbled on about work and how I always live in constant fear that I'll never be good enough for me, for him or in any one's eyes. He cuddled me, wiped away my tears, and slowly said "So... what you're telling me is that you're human?" I laughed and said "Yeah.. is that ok?" and he said "Yes" and cuddled me some more. Sometimes I think I really don't deserve him but I'm glad he thinks so.
After getting all that out my mood improved with the relief of a problem shared. Mr Smart hooked his laptop to the TV and we watched the latest episode of Table Top on youtube, then we watched the pilot episode of the Zombieland TV series. I think the male lead playing Tallahassee tries way to hard to be Woody Harrelson (who playing him in the excellent movie which spawned the series). Hopefully he'll settle into it a bit more in subsequent episodes. Mr Smart likes to give everything halfway decent at least three episodes before he passes judgement but in that respect he's more forgiving than me.
It was about dinner time by then so I set about making us homemade KFC Twisters. I used Mission original wraps, Chickadee sweet chilli chicken tenders, Bulla light sour cream, Ayam sweet chilli sauce, Symphony lettuce and fresh tomatoes. They were really yummy! With dinner done we watched a movie while Mr Smart got a little more study done. We watched Lost in Translation, a movie I'd been wanting to see pretty much since it came out in 2003 and it was a lovely film, I really enjoyed it. There were no bad guys.
Saturday's food was:
- Late lunch was half a chia roll topped with two slices of Bega So Light tasty cheese grilled in the toaster oven, a small unripeish banana and a 35g Carman's dark choc, blueberry and almond bar.
- Dinner was two homemade KFC Twisters, two glasses of Stones Ginger Wine with Schweppes diet lemonade, and a 40g Cadbury Dark Bubbly bar (shoosh, it's far far better a quantity than four whole solid blocks of chocolate!).
Mr Smart and I headed to bed relatively early. We needed to prepare ourselves for tomorrow's big walk!
Jess
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