Oct 8 - Questioning It All

  It was hard to concentrate today.  Trying to focus on work was difficult.  I managed to do a little but not a lot and what I did manage was interuppted by personal issues.  I am pretty pleased with how relatively well I managed to eat today considering I forgot to eat breakfast before going to work.. quite literally forgot, I am that scatterbrained today.
  Mum called some time after lunch to let me know when the funeral was which led into phone calls back and forth between Mum, Bertie and me trying to figure out flights home.  Eventually we booked all the flights and I felt a little relief knowing that it was sorted.
  All day my head was swimming with thoughts.  Losing someone makes you rather contemplative it seems.  It's also rather challenging facing this from an atheist perspective.  I don't think my Granny has gone anywhere, I don't think she's with my Grandad, I don't think I'll ever see her again.  Those thoughts don't scare me or make me feel uncomfortable, it just is what it is but it leaves me wondering what it all means.
  I was chatting briefly to Earnest about it last night and he said that because my Granny lives, I have life and that gives hers meaning because I love and am loved.  I kind of liked that.. unusally trite for him as it was for him.  I do believe that the people we love will live on in our memories and stories and for me, that will have to be enough.
  All these thoughts also bring me to dwell upon my own life and whether I'm making the most of it.  Am I happy with myself?  Well no.. but dealing with that as you know.
My home? My finances? My work? My social life?  My ethics?  My beliefs?
These are not thoughts that it's easy to face alone.  I tend to think best when I have a sounding board so sometimes living alone is a trying state of affairs.
  Mr Smart was being wonderful as usual today and keeping up with my incessent text updates and I really didn't feel like being alone tonight and stuck in my head so he came over to keep me company.  We went for a walk around my neighbourhood and I babbled away the whole time.  The one nice thing about daylight savings is that we managed to walk an hour and there was still a smidge of daylight left when we returned.
  After our walk I headed over to Coles to grab some things for dinner while he did a little study.  After dinner I joined him on the couch with my laptop and he studyed and I blogged while we both pretended we just had Bolt on as background noise.

  Today's food and exercise were:

• Breakfast was a 50g serve of belVita Fruit & Fibre Breakfast biscuits (4) along with two pecan nut halves, two hazelnuts, four almonds, two brazil nuts and one dried peach half.
• For lunch I took a 300g Coles Parmesan & Onion Batard and halved it lengthwise, then I scooped out about half of the insides of the bread and discarded.  I spread the base with about a tablespoonful of Rosella Sweet Mustard Pickles and topped it with 124g of Silverside, three slices of Bega Extra Light Tasty Cheese and 27g of baby spinach.  I put the lid back on and squished it flat, then cut it into two pieces.  I glad-wrapped half for tomorrow's lunch and put the remaining half in the sandwich press to toast.  I ate today's "half" sandwich and also 150g of fresh pineapple pieces.
• Afternoon snack was a slightly unripe banana.
• Exercise was a 4.5km walk which took around an hour.
• Dinner was an entree of two 20g Darshan curry puffs followed by a air-fried chicken schnitzel served with a salad of Coles Asian Baby Pak Choi Stir-Fry mix with Red Kellys Sweet Chilli & Lime Dressing.  

  That about wraps it up for today.  Thank you to everyone sticking with me at this difficult time.  I really appreciate all your kind messages and calls.  Thank you.
  Jess