The accruals done this month simply need doing again next month, and while I understand the financial significance to the company of doing them and doing them right, they have no purpose in my life other than to satisfy the obligations of my role in order to continue getting paid for doing it. The satisfaction I once gained from this task is lost.
I don't feel like what I do really matters.
It puts me in a difficult position as I'm not sure what would make me feel that I was doing something that matters. I'm not suggesting that I want to sell all my worldly goods and move to Africa to take care of starving children or anything drastic like that, but I'm starting to wish that at least what I did mattered on a human scale instead of on a corporate one. Even just to be learning something new would help. I hate to think of my skill set stagnating but it often does when you've been in the one company for a long time.
Right about this point in writing the blog, I got a call on Skype from Gub. Thank goodness she's home again because it really helps to have a sounding board and we are quite alike when it comes to internal battles like this. We chatted about job satisfaction, corporate greed, her trip to China, my actual and potential writing projects, spirituality tempered with a modern understanding of the world, science versus religion, Christmas, my recent found desire to watch soccer and despite not resolving anything it felt good to not be alone with the thoughts.
I'm not exactly sure what to do about these feeling of discontent, but I'm pretty sure I will remain thinking about it until I reach some sort of resolution. Mr Smart wondered whether pursuing outside interests more would help settle my unrest but I honestly think that just exacerbates the feeling of ennui. It reminds me there are even more things I'd rather be doing. That doesn't mean I won't pursue outside interests but it does mean a lot more thinking and trying to work out what it is I wish to be doing.
The question of what to do with one's life is a tricky one and I am at least grateful that I can take some comforts in Dad's thoughts on the matter. I remember him reassuring me once when the pressure was on me to choose a career path or uni course that even as a full grown adult with adult children, he still didn't know what he wanted to do, but he'd keep trying things until he found out. That seems sensible enough.
To finish on a slightly more frivolous note, yesterday I got a number of comments on my photo taken through the multi-faceted lens and I could tell a few people were trying to imagine what the toy looked like so here it is, with another fun image taken through it tonight of one of my many piggy banks.
Today's food and exercise were:
- Breakfast was yogurt, berries, muesli, slivered almonds, pumpkin seeds and sunflower seeds.
- Morning snack was a medium slightly unripe banana.
- Lunch was a Mission wholegrain wrap spread with 27g Philadelphia Extra Light Cream Cheese then topped with 114g thin sliced roast beef, a truss tomato, cucumber and baby cos lettuce.
- Afternoon snack was a kiwi fruit with the skin on.
- Dinner was half a mini lamb roast (392g raw weight) cooked in the AirFryer served with a salad of diced cucumber, yellow capsicum, Perino snacking tomatoes and Lemnos Persian Marinated Fetta. I'm taking the other to work tomorrow to put in my wrap!
- Dessert was 20g of Lindt 85% Cocoa dark chocolate.
- Exercise was back bends and glute flexes throughout the day. I have noticed while doing the glute flexes, that my left side buttock appears to be substantially weaker than my right side buttock. Interesting? Perhaps not, but it will amuse my Granny to see the word buttock this many times in a day.
I'd better get off to bed for now, my offsider has the day off tomorrow so I need to remember to get there early to open the office for the day. Oh joy.
Jess
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