Sept 6 - Shame

  "My ability to tolerate shame, to compartmentalize it, to swallow it, increased right along with my belt size.  It came with the territory of being heavy.  Obese people have a lifetime of experience with shame." - Edward Ugel

  Yesterday I remarked that I couldn't have done this earlier as I wasn't ready to do it for me until now.  How true that is.  I started gaining weight in the early years of high school.  I thought I was fat, people told me I was fat, I felt ashamed of myself.  Of course now I look back on pictures of me then and laugh, I'd just about kill to be that size again.
  Now don't misunderstand, I'm not blaming my choice to overeat on being teased or bullied.  I actually had a mostly great time in high school.  I had a group of close friends, outcasts all and we kind of liked it that way.  But the fact remains, those comments made me feel ashamed because I believed they were true and I didn't like that.
Guilt is when we disappoint others, shame is when we disappoint ourselves.
  Somewhere along the line, when you enjoy your food like I do, you discover the great comfort that foods high in fat, salt and sugar can bring you.  Who here doesn't smile at the cheering thought of a warm chocolate brownie with a dollop of thick cream and a hot chocolate?  If you've had a crappy day, sitting there in a nice little cafe slowly savouring each bite makes the trouble melt away (if only temporarily).
  And then the shame spiral begins.  You eat something delicious and comforting.  You know it's bad for you.  You are ashamed.  People comment on your weight.  You know it's your own fault.  You are ashamed.  You eat something delicious and comforting.  People offer 'helpful' suggestions on losing weight.  You know you should do something about it but you feel helpless.  You eat something delicious and comforting.  You put on a show of doing the right thing but your heart's not in it.  You hate that.  You eat something delicious and comforting.  You hide the Mars Bar wrapper in the big bin outside.  You are ashamed.
  It's not easy to break out of that.  It's much easier to eat another chocolate than it is to accept you're not happy with where you are in your life.  I won't go into the physical side of food addiction, but that certainly feeds into the problem as well.  But suffice it to say, until I was ready to do this, until I felt strong enough to face my own realities, I could not have done this.  Not even with all the support I have had and been offered across the years.

  As a positive to that rather dark interlude, I went shopping after work today.  I walked in to Autograph wearing size 22 jeans and I walked out in size 18.  They are snug, but they will give a little with wear, and my butt looked kind of cute if I do say so myself.

Food and exercise for the day:

• Breakfast was yoghurt, berries, muesli and slivered almonds.  Thinking about adding some sunflower and pumpkin seeds into the mix! 
• Lunch was a Mission Wholemeal Wrap spread with Philadelphia Extra Light Spreadable Cream Cheese (about 30g) then topped with 106g of Tasmania Smoked Salmon, strips of carrot, snow pea shoots and cucumber slices.  Each day this week I've asked for and been given 3 slices of smoked salmon, the difference in weights is astounding!  I also had seven little Perino snacking tomatoes and an Afourer mandarin. 
• Afternoon snack was a nashi late in the work day because I knew I'd be going shopping before going home for exercise and dinner. 
• Exercise was 42 minutes on the cross-trainer with my Buffy accompaniment.
• Dinner was a pan-friend lamb leg steak (about 200g raw) with garlic, rosemary and lemon juice served with steamed snow peas, carrot and broccoli and a dab of balsamic glaze.  I didn't eat all the glaze, it was just to spice up the occasional mouthful of steamed veg.
• Dessert was 20g of Lindt 85% Cocoa dark chocolate.

  I remembered to make my next appointment with the diabetic educator today, due in no small part to the fact that I had an email from her in my inbox this morning.  I must say, her dedication to follow up is nothing short of wonderful.  I've only had one appointment but she's determined to be with me the whole way.  So I'm all set for Monday 17th!

  We are going to discuss my next round of blood tests and my plan going forwards.  At this stage I'm planning the next round of blood tests for the start of October as that will be a full three months since I started all this.  I still need to make the dietitian appointments and one with my regular doctor but one thing at a time!

  Tune in tomorrow, same bat time, same bat channel!

  Jess